Nobody Makes Fun of B-RI

                I wish to prophesize and only to combat the fallacies that can come from such lofty tales told by tongues that wag out of fear of losing the ability. There is supposed to be thought before the idea is to be shared. It has to be argued and refuted and repealed and revealed all before it can ever get the chance to see the sun and grab its first breath. If not, it will just fill space and waste time and the sort and that won’t be stood for although it is and it always has and who am I, as my guilt is just as much as any man’s. But all I can ask is to hope for more justice in what I do and say, as my morals are tainted with Freudian undertones that all things and everything can be encompassed under.

                Destined to deny nothing right away but rather build it up and up and up until I have amassed all the skill that I could ever wield at which point, I swallow the fear and conquer. You have to be able to crave the right amount of insanity, you see. Too much and you can be forever lost in whatever delusion you may or may not have made for yourself. Too little and you’ll never be mad enough to step far enough out of line to change much of anything. Now there is the risk that it’s not supposed to be you or something like that but I urge you to remember that you wouldn’t actually believe it ever were if it weren’t ever, dig?

                I ache to be better but always fear that it just won’t be enough to save my soul from my self which has spent so much time on this all out fully fledged war upon the very idea that it steals its name from. But if I were to just abandon it all and go out to the hills to live without any other or anything that I could not find immediately around me, well what then? Would I forget my name if there was no one to call me by it? Would I find that peace and fall from my body into some sort of serene bliss not tainted with anything at all? With my body pure of anything unnatural and my head free of any nonsense, would I finally be free?

                See the thing is, I don’t know if that could ever even be done, at least by yours truly. Why? Ego, for one and that would be a very big one. I’m vain and self-conscious and insecure and cannot go very  long without craving some sort of human attachment which of course will be pushed very far away as soon as it happens because I’ll be damned if I let anyone in, at least for now. There is another part and that’s the part that wants to care about something because what is a man that doesn’t care? A man with no passion is no man at all.

                But going back to the whole “Into the Wild” scheme, I don’t believe I could actually do it mostly because I hold onto this idea of obligation to the rest of my fellow fleshy meat sacks who I deem unable to see the light that I myself cannot see. The difference of course, is that I am looking for that light while the rest of my species is looking for the next episode of Idol to get them through their next meaningless week of work. I want to find meaning for myself. I want to find meaning for us. So I will go far away from the woods for now, and dive into the dark dirty city and root out some evil, if I can.

                I do apologize. I feel as though we ended on a bad note and I’d really like to not do that. If there’s anything that I can do that would change your mind, I imagine it doesn’t exist. That’s fine of course. Things that don’t exist are my specialty.

                I don’t know what my point is. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t know why I don’t just abandon this whole idealistic dream. That dream that there is something that I can do to make this world a better place. No one wants to be happy and free clearly because no one stands up for anything they believe in. Everyone and everything is all just talk as am I and as this right here is. All it is and all it has ever been are words that I use to make myself feel better and feel like I’m doing something. But what have I done?

                I’ve been watching the presidential debates but I don’t know why because they are pathetic and only show that this country has become a complete failure of the ideals that blood was spilt for. It worked for awhile but the last hundred or so years have just been a spiral into debt and war as we are willingly robbed of all of our freedoms. I want to get mad but is there even a point? What will me, some punkass 20 year old boy ever be able to do to change the world? I believe that just because my high school voted me to be such a person in the yearbook, but what the fuck does anyone from my high school know? What do any of us know? Why do we wake up every morning when we could just stay in bed and live in the world of unconscious fantasy? Why bother, right?

                Wrong. That is in fact so terribly wrong that it makes me sick to even think of giving up. Giving up is easy and any fucking fool can do that. It takes a lot to stand up to anything especially the establishment. But what is the establishment? Well let’s dive into that, shall we? I suppose the idea of the establishment is the set standard of how things are done. It’s the government and the social construct and the law and the ideology that stands today. So what do all of these things mean? The answer to that is simple. It means whatever you want it to mean and nothing more. You can defy every single one of those things. People break the law all the time and I don’t mean by murdering someone. Smoking a joint is breaking the law and yet people do it every day and its more people than you’d imagine too. Yet despite the majority not really giving a shit about people smoking a little pot, it’s illegal and punished unjustly. Still this is not about trying to legalize pot.

                There’s a mold that were all supposed to fit into. We are all supposed to work and pay taxes and love the U.S. of A no matter what stupid shit the country does.

                “You did not just say that America is stupid. That is unpatriotic, you terrorist.”

                America is stupid. We have evolved beyond the point of just being ignorant and are now entering into the realm of pure stupidity. Don’t believe me? Well let me make a few points. Iraq. We had a war there for 8 years that was started for no reason. The public was lied to and the “President” went and invaded and over threw a government and hung around to make a few trillion dollars off of something like 150,000 deaths. I put President into quotes because the president has been an idiot for my entire life. When I was born it was George Sr. then it was Clinton, then good ol’ W and now it’s Barry Obama. All of them have never made any decision because they thought it was good. They made them because someone paid them to do it. I’m not going into factual detail because you can look that up now. Well at least temporarily you can because soon the internet will be censored and you won’t be able to find anything that makes anyone in power look bad but behind almost every elected official are the people who paid to get them elected which is not the American public. The American public sits around and watched mindless television programming and believes what they are told.

                I’m guilty just as much as the next person or at least I was. I used to believe in every establishment that I was told to believe since birth. That was until I reached my teenage years and met a few people who opened up my perspective. It was scary at first. It was scary to stop believing in the God of my family. It was scary to stop believing that the country I lived in wanted me to be happy. It’s terrifying to leave those comforts but it was absolutely necessary to free my mind. There was a sloppy college kid with a 7 year tenure at various institutions who showed me a few things and then an oddly dressed kid with a fiery red beard who showed me the power of my mind without even intending to. Or maybe he did. I do still wonder what he’s up to now or if he was even real.

                Here I go, digressing all over this bitch. Let’s bring it back home again. All I can do as of now is use these words to try and reach anyone who will read this to open you minds and hearts and see the shit show that is the human race. We are panicky and far too trusting and oblivious to everything that actually goes on. We have all been tricked into this overall consciousness that tells us that we can do anything to change the world. You’ve been lied to. You can do whatever you want, yes you. Sure you can get arrested and tossed away and now with the newest set of bullshit liberty stripping laws, you can be tossed into a prison cell for no reason for the rest of your mortal life. But there’s a catch to all of these things that the establishment doesn’t understand. You cannot put everyone in prison, you cannot have a war with everyone and you can reach a breaking point. Some may call it treason which would be an honor. How you ask? Well George Washington was a traitor, so was Jefferson and Adams and Gandhi and Guy Fawkes and Lenny Bruce and Bradley Manning. If a corrupt government deems you a traitor, that means you’re right and they don’t like that.

                I’m not telling you to do a single thing besides open your eyes. If you look at your world and see nothing different, you’re not changing your view. Don’t ever be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to upset the establishment because it’s there to be upset. A happy establishment usually means an unhappy people. Nothing will become instantly better but don’t give up the fight. Giving up is easy.

                Whoa, that escalated fast. It is a nice change of pace because I was just going to write about how this girl won’t talk to me and whine about all those problems. Call me crazy or obsessed, but I won’t give up on anything until there’s nothing left. 

                The lights go down and then back up on the stage. Four clicks and the animal is unleashed for everyone to see. He drives ahead and leaves time and anxiety and doubt and love and hate all in the dust that is tossed back into the air by the pound of the bass drum. His hair shakes with his head a sweat drips down on to the head of the snare.

                Standing all around are three men, strapped with strings. From the beat comes the tune picked to vibrate every atom in the room. Harmonious waves cycle through the floorboards, through the people, through the glasses on the bar in the next room only to be beaten out of steam by the brick confining the scene. Soul by definition is indefinable.

                Soul to sole and so bounce the people in the room, some more in tune than others. I’m there. So is she. He’s there too. I’m drunk but I can’t tell you much about the others. The band doesn’t so much distract as it does encourage me to daydream and wonder and trick myself. She does seem to be enjoying herself but he’s mad that I’m here. As if he could be blamed.

                We drank earlier in the Japanese restaurant down the street. None of us we of age but they have these nice little booths with doors that close. Order a coke and just bring the rum with you. This was a jug of the good old brown stuff. The wonders that a woman’s purse can hold.

                I couldn’t tell you the name of most of the songs, but I could tell you the name of everyone in the band. I did car bombs with the drummer after the show. Again not of age but few kind words and a positive attitude can get you quite far with a bartender. If you don’t know what a car bomb is, try one. I had three and they talks like milk. They don’t actually but metaphorically I suppose they do. After that much rum the milk taste also becomes understandable.

                I don’t remember what I did the rest of the night but the bottle can do that to you. That is not the point. I don’t know what the point is but I figured that would be a vague enough place to start. I won’t tell you my name, I’ll just wait for someone else to say it. I won’t tell you where this is because it could be anywhere. I won’t tell you why I’m doing this because there need not be a reason.

                “Have another one Stephen?” said the bartender to the drummer.

                “Have another one Max?” said the drummer to the narrator.

                “Let’s have another one,” is what Max said to Noel.

                Noel is the bartender who knows the two people he’s serving are not 21. I’m Max and I break the law. This is my friend Stephen. He breaks drum sticks. We are left with no choice but to abandon the social construct for our own. We are the oppressed. We are the offspring of the former middle class. We are the generation who was born in a fog. We are angry and bored. We will take over the world if it’s not destroyed first.

                Noel pops open two bottles of Guinness and slides them to us. He put two shot glasses on the table and pours Jameson and Baileys in as we fill our glasses just enough. Quick now, grab the shot, touch the table click them together and drop. Now drink before it curdles. And there you have it, milk moustache and all.

And so passes another year, the year of the Reds. Time flows and crashes and chews me up and spit me out. I am but a cigarette butt on the sidewalk. I try to find anything at all in the sky above but all that is seen are a few hazy stars and the blinking light of a satellite. I should just sleep. I should just be content enough for now. I’m not though nor will I ever be I imagine. It’s karma though. Cigarettes do give you cancer… allegedly.

                I think I let my world get too small again. It needs more because I’m bored and better that than the other things I do when I’m bored. Get your mind out of the gutter please. It doesn’t belong there and there wouldn’t enough room as myself and my fellow Marlboro carcasses already laid claim to that site. But then again, why do anything when being placid is an option. I could just lie on my back watch this whole world pass by above me. Just slip into the scenery so long that not only can I no longer be found, no one even knows where to look anymore.

                I could do that but I never really would be able. I get too angry as I am a hot headed Irish individual. Somewhere inside me beats the heart of a romantic who is fuelled by poetic passion. What is the difference between anger and passion anyway, if there even is one which there very well might not be? It could and is just a matter of justification in the eyes of the one that is the self. Passion is just being convinced you can do something about how angry you are. I wonder if there is anything out there or in here or in one of the various locations in between them.

                There must or so I will convince myself. I’m a human being goddamn it! My life has value! And that value is whatever I want it to be. You can set your own value for me and it could change. It does and it has and it will for as long as I have breath in my lungs I will be different from the day before. Even after life leaves this body, it will change. It will crumble and decompose and become valuable to a whole new group of things. Worms all over the world are hungry, what are you doing to help? For the price of only your conscious organic life, you could feed worms who are in need. Worms need to eat too.

                Oh man, would you look at that? That certainly got out of hand rather fast. But like I was saying before, new year and all that jazz. Well here’s an idea that I just sprang up with, a weekly series of short stories. The idea is a comic book with no pictures. I’ll have to set a deadline each week and I should try to be strict with it. I can get lazy as is proven here. The title is lying to you. It’s not Sunday any longer. It I snow in fact Monday and what a glorious Monday it is. I’ll need to pick a day that would work, so during the week probably around Wednesday. We’ll see how it goes and if it really becomes anything worthwhile. Commit doesn’t really hurt either. I have very little of that at the current moment. It is incredible what I can do without giving much of a shit. It must be even more incredible when a shit is given.

                Don’t fret, the hero never wins. This isn’t TV damn it, this is good ol’ print. The only people who ever win here are villains. Them and antiheroes and I think I’ll be working at the latter. It’s tough but hell I’m bored and got nothing better to do. I’ll bear the weight of the world for a while. I’ll feel better about myself if I get no recognition.

                Just kidding. Antiheroes can have negative characteristics. I’ll try to shake some of them, but vanity is innate. 

                Yesterday was a holiday so I took one myself. T’was a long day of drinking and merriment with relatives and getting stuff. I got more stuff than I needed but that always happens. Its just how my parents are, they give to their children even it is undeserving. Bless their souls.

                Now, now, now what are some thoughts? Boredom is taking over but it’s alright. I’ll be heading to the ridge soon on a little vacation. I ran in the new year there last year and it was rather fun. I can only assume that this one will be just as fun, as Brooklyn always is.

                But with this year winding down I suppose it’s only natural to look back on it. I’ll use this week for that and then use the next one for the new year. It’s supposed to be the last year for this planet so I should make a spectacle of it, or so I’m told. As goes with the progression of every year, I’m sure there are many lessons to be learned coming up but I wonder, oh how I wonder what I’ve learned this year. So Brian, what have you learned?

                Well… ummm… hmmm… I guess I’ve learned something about myself but I can’t be sure exactly what that is. At least right now I can’t because nothing comes to mind. Well that’s not really true, is it? There are things that come to mind but I don’t want to say them just yet because I don’t think that I have the right thought or the right words to say it. In fact, I don’t know if I can really come up with anything to say that would really work all that well. At least for the moment. So I believe that I’ll put this down, metaphorically because my computer is technically already resting down on my desk, for a few minutes or a few hours. I’ll finish this today but I don’t want to waste a perfectly good edition of Sunday Morning Thoughts by saying silly things or nothing at all, like I am now. So I’ll cease until the next paragraph. Ready? Time warp!!!

                I wandered around all day and did nothing to improve this. Time warp to nothing. There I go again forgetting what it was I was going to say and I had thought it so profound. It was probably something about girls or how broke I am or something along those lines. I mean what else there for me to talk about? It’s not as though I have any kind of depth to what I say or even do for that matter.

                I’ll get going. I really shouldn’t be so hard on myself over taking time to vegetate. It’s not going to last forever or anywhere near that… it’ll be much more on the shorter side.

                But this is just gibberish or nonsense or bullshit or whatever you like to call it. Personally I prefer the term bullshit just for the irony. What do you mean you don’t see the irony? By saying that something is bullshit you are finally and absolutely revealing it for its undeniably evident state which I suppose would just turn it back into bullshit and it would continue from there. I guess I like the escapable idea of bullshit. It warms my heart.

                My hope is to escape from the way things are and make them into something that is better. Now whatever the fuck that entails may never be known but shit, it wouldn’t take much to make things better. Now I know that I don’t have it that bad but when speaking in generalities, as I love to do, you start to see that it’s really absurd that we are like we are on this planet.

                I don’t know… just more bullshit to toss up on to the pile. Better yet, on top of the heap. A cluttered compilation concisely concealed to trick us but alas the need was not. If you are looking for the guilty, you need only look in a mirror.

                I am beyond the point of wasting more of my life. I stare the most crucial parts of my mortality down and I had best not blink. Stars and sirens cry out and I must yell something back.

                There’s a good amount of people who believe that by this time next year, the world will be coming to an end. This is what I’m writing now as of 2:35am on December 21^st 2012. I’m going to read for a bit now and then get some sleep but hang around until I wake up and finish this. Trust me, time will fly. You’ll barely even notice it passing. Goodnight.

                Good morning. I told you that it would feel like nothing and I’m sure for you it did. For me, it was slow getting out of bed. It was cold and rainy and dreary and I had weird dreams and to be honest, what was I going to do today? I’m bored and broke and have no ambition. I’m lame.

                That’s all I wrote yesterday. I just got up and never came back. Instead, I went to go participate in the grotesque seasonal consumerism. I didn’t do much else with my day and now I risk not coming back to this as I will be getting up again to finish a few tasks that I have to go through, or at the very least should go through like showering and such. I’m supposed to get a haircut… we’ll see. Until then, I bid yee fare thee well. We’ll meet again.

                And here I am, returning to you at the turning of the tide. Well, there really is no tide. It’s like a kiddy pool, one that’s been sitting in the sun too long and that is probably at least 1% piss. We wade in it, pretend were swimming all the while it just gets warmer without getting anywhere. This is a stupid metaphor. I’m sorry.

                My whole idea with writing was to talk about something larger than myself because to be honest, I’m sick of listening to me complain about myself. There is so much more to complain about, like how every day we all wake up and don’t do everything in our power to make this godforsaken rock we live on better. We just don’t despite the actions we believe we take.

                Just look at our country. There’s something terribly wrong with it, isn’t there? If you don’t agree with me then you’re just not seeing it. It’s not anything to do with political party or any nonsense like that which is only there to divide and distract. The United States of America is without a single belief that it’s people live by. Go ahead, try and prove me wrong.

Hardworking? Please, this country as a whole produces nothing but war machines and if we do produce anything else, no one buys it. We have just spent every day since the second world war digging into our big pockets that are only replenished by self creating debt by starting more wars. We make war machines that we paid for with our own imaginary money. And to top that off, we sell our debt. China owns a shit ton, or so I’ve heard. I’m not an economist but I don’t imagine anyone who actually claims to have that title is much of one themselves. We’re a country of C student economists.

Liberty? This is too easy. SOPA. NDAA. PATRIOT Act. The “Occupy” movement was a rather sad and pathetic failure. All those iPhones recording cops pepper spraying and beating people with night sticks and no one did a damn thing. They fucking admitted that the Department of Homeland Security held a conference call with them giving instructions on how specifically how to deal with the protestors, if you can even call them that, so it could all be done within the week. And by they, I mean the mayor’s of 18 major U.S. cities including New York.

If the Stop Online Piracy Act (which is what SOPA stands for) passes you can say goodbye to the internet and hello to a second version of the television. It will take away the most free forum for speech left in this country and all because companies over charged for DVD’s that the American people just got sick of buying. It’s not censoring the internet because that’s an idea that can’t be censored, it can only be destroyed. So it will and despite the heavy amount of effort put in by a relatively small portion of the population which consists mostly of anyone who has ever heard of the Reddit, which will be gone after SOPA.

The National Defense Authorization Act will make everyone on the planet a fucking terrorist which means the U.S. military can do whatever the fuck they want with you. Now I don’t hate on the military because it is supposed to be a nonpolitical, unbiased defense body. Unfortunately the people who tell the military what to do, which would be the government who is then told what to do by whoever pays the most which I can guarantee is not the American people because they are more broke than they know what to do with, those people would like to make an empire because let’s be honest, the resources on the planet are limited and wasted at absurd rates so it’d be best to start conquering everything before that all runs out.

Our political system is a joke and our foreign policy is just plain douche bag material. We are the asshole of the world and most of the American people are too fat or too busy with work or too oblivious to do or say anything about it. We should all be screaming at the top of our lungs at our congress people until they do something. We should stop complaining about the stuff that’s made and start making some shit ourselves. I know I’m not a businessman so I won’t be starting a factory, but I can tell you that the business school at my college is the biggest department so someone there should be able to do fucking something.

I get it though, I do the same thing. Well I think I’d like to be done with that. I will do all that I can which is why I’m writing this. It is my hope that I can be a messenger of some sort. Hell I’ll ever craft a few of my own ideas in the hope that it makes someone who reads it do something that is for the good of the human race. We are in desperate need of help that we can only provide to ourselves. It’s easy to do nothing and let a few evil people with some money and some motivation fuck up everything for the rest of us, but I’m done with taking the easy way out.

Just remember the more people doing something like this… what would this be called? I suppose it’s like pursuing liberty which is just really the idea of living free and for the most part happy because you will never be happy all of the time, at least not in this life. In this life in this body you will always crave something be it food, water, warmth, shelter, sex, companionship or sleep. If you need to poo, which everyone eventually does you’ll have to do that too. The jury is still out on love, but that’s not what this is about. This is about fighting for beliefs, so yes it is about love. All I know is if the world is supposed to end in 365 (there’s an extra day because it’s a leap year), we might as well make it the best damn year of our lives. What the hell else are we going to do?

                Here it comes… the impending reality of life and how if I want to make it I have to put my hands up and start fighting. It’s not about trying to pick up the pieces anymore because I won’t be able to hold anything as it were. I need to grab everything I own and run from the burning building before it takes me down the all of those tongues of flame. I have to pack my bag and strap it to my back and get out of here and into that dark, smelly and impossibly beautiful world. I won’t stand to be beaten down or defeated any longer. I will not stand to be chased from the few things that I can love without consequence. I’ve been pushed away or pushed myself away from too many things, and why? For some bullshit level of comfort that has never really existed?

Here’s the deal, today I go to a show and I’ll tell some jokes and we’ll just have to see how well I do. I’ll tell the story about my dad getting stuffed and the time I choked in the mall and a few jokes about my dating life. I can get laughs, I just have to be myself. It’s scary as shit though. I was all nervous the other night, as I was last night, as I am now. This is what I want to do with my life but I can’t forget it’s because I’m good at it. IU can be a comedian, people have told me and believe in me. I don’t even give a shit if I don’t believe in myself because it is no longer about that. It’s too late and now I just have to grab myself by the balls and go. I need to run and live and regret for fun. I can’t chase broken and empty ideas. I can’t want what I can’t have. I just need to want what I know I can have, which could be anything.

And of course I write this now for attention. From you and from myself. I need to hear myself say these things because I’m vain and egotistical and weak and scared. I need to reassure myself because I’m still in the stage that lives in between the all of this. I’m in the process of running away which entails being able to part with anything and possibly everything. I want this life and I want this career. I want to create and perform and display some sort of beautiful idea to anyone who will see it. I don’t want to impose, but I do. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to make you laugh, and I will. In what I say and what I do, I will always be a comic at heart.

                I’m sorry. If you had the week that I’ve had then you’d be like this too. I’m actually surprised that I’m not more dramatic about everything. I’ve been lethargic about it, slow moving and grey. It shouldn’t be that way ever. It should always be grand and full of something. It must always be a show. It just must. That being said let me just read something over and I’ll continue on.

                Ok so I get why you were upset, I do. I’m a bit extreme but like I said, my avenues to vent any kind of negative aggression are limited. Or at least I see limitations. If I see them then they must be there, but I assume I could just ignore them. Yet there is hesitation and limitation now. For why? I cannot say but I’m going to struggle on in the hope that I can rise above all of it. I have claimed to be super human on occasion and I would hate to look like a liar. Nobody wants to look like a liar. Nobody wants to look like how we truly are.

                Well that’s not true, completely at least. I may just be saying things for the sake of saying things. I shouldn’t do that. Blah, blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah blah.

                I have my script. I have my notebook. I have my guitar. I have my two feet and they work, which is a plus. I have jazz music. I have a slight hang over. I have cotton mouth and bad breath. I have nothing to do with most of my day.

                Now you see that, right there? Why is it that having nothing to do with my day is not the greatest thing that was ever conceived or capable of being conceivable? Once I leave this desk I am free until 7 at which point I’ll just be temporarily confined to my residence. I can do anything. I could go to Manhattan if I wanted, but I should save my money. I do have to eat and I would like to make that venture later. I may have a show coming up. Somewhere in Manhattan eventually, but I need to bring people if I want stage time. If I bring people then the other comics will have more people laughing at their stuff so when I waste whatever amount of time that I might be given, they will be more forgiving. I don’t know if I’d even get any laughs. I have jokes but they’re just scraps really. And it’s been awhile. It’s actually been a long fucking time. It shouldn’t take a superhero a year to do anything.

                What am I saying? I can get laughs, all I need is to believe that. And I’ve been mastering ceremonies and events here and there. I was told by this very kind, slightly round woman that I have a career in stand-up and that’s all you need. It doesn’t really matter what a professional says because we are nothing without a crowd. I can feel for the laughs and they’ll happen at least half of the time. I just need one pair of testicles. And people, for what are testicles with no people around to see you use them?

                I’ll take this time to invite anyone who will be around New York on the 17^th to come to a show that my friend is producing. I’ll find more details and deliver them based upon interest. So if you’d like to come, bring friends. You can even heckle me. Go for it, I could use the practice.

                Regardless, Rashid left his iPod with me. It’s fantastic. It’s full of jazz and lectures. And I mean all types of jazz. The man practically chronicles the genre from the start. You know who Benny Waters is? Well you should. I spent three hours in my room talking with him about all of this music, and then we talked about life and women and education and passion and society and everything. He’s a very knowledgeable and very hip dude. I mean hip in the true sense, dig? And the only reason I know him is because I started talking to him when he was fixing the hole in the ceiling on the 10^th floor. He’s a facilities guy at my school. He’s got this big grey beard and always wears this cap over his shaved head. He may be the coolest person that I have ever met.

                Nina Simone is spectacular. Jimmy Smith and Wes Montgomery and the Duke. There is so much in the world that I have yet to discover. There’s so much you have yet to discover. I guess that’s why I’m so upset. I don’t like to see doors get closed but I can’t help it. I’m bewildered but I’m not shattered. I think that’s the point I was trying to make. Its part of this romantic ideal, you see. How? Well I don’t know exactly how to say such a thing, so I’ll try. My romantic ideal is not specific to relationships or women. You see it has more to do with what Rashid and I talked about yesterday. It’s all for the experience and getting all from it that you can. At least for me.

                I had this idea and at first it was terrifying. Actually, I should go back further than that. I had this idea and this was back before I had seen a large part of the world, which I still haven’t but then it was even smaller. I got out there and being young and stupid, which I still am, I made some mistakes. I saw things not for how they were and all that mistake making business and it blew up all around me. So my first big step as a man, I started smoking and moved from there. There was another idea that started at some point before the explosion but the timing is confusing. This idea was scary because it was beyond what my tiny little catholic suburban raised mind could comprehend. So I waited and hesitated and chose wrong and tried to make up for it by being annoying and idiotic and dependant on the whole concept of something that was never even mine, never even real. I’ve grown detached and calloused but I know this is just how life goes.

                I meant it when I said I’ve come to terms with my loneliness. I won’t close my mind to not having to be such a way, but I am prepared. Well, I’m not really prepared but I won’t be shocked. It can go anyway from here and I’m trying to brace myself for just that. You don’t have to isolate me, I can do that myself fairly well but if I remember correctly I just wanted to talk because that’s what part of the ideal I still want to believe.